Sober
by Coffin Of Hope
Summary: [Been a long road since those hands I left my tears in but I know, it's never really over]
1. Long Road

**Title: Sober  
Rating: PG – NC17  
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Really, Mr. Lawyer, I've told you a thousand times a gun is not necessary. I'll give them back when I'm done. Calm down.  
Author's Note: Inspired by Kelly Clarkson's "Sober" which is an amazing song and you should all listen to it. Especially while reading this. Go do it. Now.**

_"It's been a long road since those hands I left my tears in, but I know…It's never really over."_

The blacktop ribbon wound its way in front of her. Long, twisted, and unforgiving somewhat like her life had been. She closed her eyes against the sunlight for a brief moment, leaning back in her seat. She drove with no music, which was odd for her. Normally she hated silence but for this, it seemed appropriate. There was no music for this. Just the humming of the engine and the moaning of the wheels as she carried on.

Five years ago Ashley Davies had left L.A and hadn't looked back. She moved to New York first thing and had spent the past 5 years at The Julliard School of Music. She was doing what she loved, singing and songwriting. She was living her dream in New York City. Everything was wonderful. And then came the call.

Phone calls at three in the morning are never good. It's like an unwritten law that if someone calls you at three in the morning, it has to be to give you bad news. The caller in Ashley's case was her half sister, Kyla, and the news was of her mother's death. She had booked a flight first thing, rented a car as soon as she touched the ground, and now here she was. Traveling back to the one place she swore she'd never go back to. Coming dangerously close to meeting the one person she avoided all these years.

Spencer Carlin.

Only now, it was Spencer Dennison.

Kyla informed her last year of the wedding between Spencer and Aiden. At first she'd been seriously hurt. She'd cried, sobbed, and scared her roommate half to death. And then she realized she didn't need Spencer to be happy. She was doing just fine on her own. She knew Spencer didn't love him. Couldn't love him.

Spencer was a drug. An irresistible drug. And Ashley was finally sober after all these years and now, now came the ultimate test. It was like going to a bar after completing rehab. And she was determined not to order a drink. She was strictly here for Kyla and her mother's funeral. After that, she was gone. Back to New York, back to her better life. Away from the bad memories.

But for now, she thought as she pulled into the driveway of the mansion, for now she'd have to play the cards she was dealt and handle the situation as best she could. This meant she had to get out of the car sometime in the next hour whether she liked it or not.

Finally working up her nerve, she walked up the path to the door and was about to knock when she suddenly found herself being knocked backwards by a very solid object. She managed to steady herself so she didn't fall as she felt the breath being squeezed out of her.

"Ash! Thank God you made it!" She recognized Kyla's voice. Not quite knowing what to do, she hugged the girl back and mumbled out a simple 'yeah.' Kyla released her and immediately pulled her inside. She could tell the girl had been crying, her eyes were bloodshot and puffy. Ashley wasn't sure why. The woman had been nothing short of terrible to her and even worse towards Ashley herself. She guessed it was the fact that she had died. A lot of people mourn people they barely knew simply because they had died.

"Do you want anything to drink?" Kyla asked. Ashley simply shook her head, looking around the familiar house.

"I'm gonna go unpack." She said, leaving the room. Kyla didn't stop her. Ashley knew she was chalking it up as grief and the need to be alone. She was content to let her think that. But really it wasn't that at all. It was something entirely different in the form of blonde hair and blue eyes.

It was so much more than grief.

It was longing.

Lying on her old bed a few hours later, Ashley's thoughts began to drift. The funeral was two days from now. Two whole days before she could leave. Better make that three; she knew Kyla would make her stay an extra day. Could she really avoid Spencer for three days? Probably. Did she want to? She wasn't sure. That answer scared her more than anything. For the past five years she thought she was over her. Over the girl who cared more about what other people thought and wanted for her rather than what she felt and wanted for herself.

That was why she had left. Spencer had chosen to end things with Ashley because it was what her mom wanted for her and she knew other people wouldn't approve of their relationship. She wanted to pretend nothing had happened between them, when there was so much there. She wanted to deny having feelings for Ashley. Ashley couldn't pretend. So she left. Spencer had asked Kyla about her on several occasions. She wanted to still be friends. Ashley couldn't do that.

But Spencer was still Spencer. And Ashley loved Spencer. That was a fact that would never change, no matter how much she, and Spencer, wanted it to.

She remembered being in this room 5 years ago. She had been sitting in this very spot with Spencer pacing the floor in front of her.

_I can't do this Ashley." She had said._

Ashley had forced back the tears. She refused to cry.

"Why not?" She asked.

"Because I just...I can't. My family would freak, my mom would go postal. It would ruin everything. I'm supposed to give her grandkids. Plus, people aren't exactly accepting to this kind of thing." She explained.

"So what?" I had challenged. "You're just going to turn your back on everything you feel, everything we've been through because you're scared?"

"This. Can't. Happen." Was Spencer's reply.

"Get. Out." Was Ashley's.

And she had. She had pleaded with her with her baby blue eyes but Ashley refused to give in. If she didn't want to do this, then Ashley wasn't going to let her. But oh, how she had cried after that door shut.

At that moment, Kyla's head poked through her door. All these years and she still hadn't learned to knock.

"I'm going to the store…do you want to come?" She asked.

"Sure, why not" Ashley replied. She needed to get out of this room. Fast.

Ashley immediately regretted coming to the store with Kyla.

"Ky, they're just paper towels. Pick one. Please." Ashley begged her younger sibling. She was annoyed. She was beyond annoyed.

"No, I have to get just the right kind. Some don't work as well as the others." Kyla stated, matter-of-factly.

"Why?" She asked.

"Because, if I get the wrong kind and I make a mess, I'm just going to make an even bigger mess." She replied, as if it were common knowledge.

"Jesus" Ashley muttered to herself. Twenty minutes. Twenty freakin' minutes. She sighed and glared at the ceiling. Cursing to herself she stalked off.

"I'm going to find some cookies." She called over her shoulder, not waiting for a reply. Traveling through the maze that was Food Lion, she finally found the cookies but just as she was about to leave with her treasure, Uh-Oh Oreos, she heard voices coming from the peanut butter/jelly aisle. Terribly familiar voices.

"I don't even care"

"You never care anymore Spencer."

"That's not true."

"Yes it is! You're constantly depressed, and when you're not depressed you're angry. I never do anything right with you."

"Maybe you're just not trying."

"Oh, I'm not trying? That's bullshit Spencer. You're not trying. And we both know why."

"Oh really? Why then?"

"Because you only married me to make your mom happy. You don't love me."

"That is such a lie! I do love you, Aiden. I do!"

"Are you sure? Or do you just tell yourself that?"

"I'm telling you!"

"Are you really?"

"What do you mean?"

"Are you really telling me? Or are you telling yourself? Who are you trying to convince Spencer?"

"I'm trying to convince you."

"I don't believe you, Spencer"

"Whatever Aiden. Just get your freakin' jelly. I'm not doing this now."

Ashley heard footsteps headed in her direction. She realized that during the argument she had moved to the end of the aisle, and if Spencer came around that corner... Cursing silently, she looked around and then tried to run to the next aisle at the last second and just when she thought she made it she heard it. What she never thought she'd hear again. That voice.

"Ashley?"

Shit.


	2. Insensitive

2. Insensitive

_Oh you probably won't remember me, it's probably ancient history.  
I'm one of the chosen few who went ahead and fell for you.  
I'm out of vogue, I'm out of touch and I fell too fast, I feel too much  
I thought that you might have some advice to give  
On how to be insensitive_

…...

_"Why won't you talk to me?" Spencer pleaded. Ashley wouldn't budge._

"I have no reason to" She stated simply, wordlessly moving about the room collecting her things. Spencer took a step towards her and Ashley tensed up.

"Ashley…don't be like this…please" She begged.

"I'm not going to pretend nothing happened, Spencer. I can't. I can't be near you and act like you mean nothing to me. I won't. I refuse." She replied, throwing a shirt into her suitcase.

"Can I at least ask you where you're going?" Spencer appealed, trying to get on Ashley's good side by changing the subject. It didn't work.

"Why do you care?" Ashley asked, suddenly rounding on the blonde, eyes flashing dangerously.

"Because you're my friend and I lo-"

"Don't. You. Dare." Ashley interrupted. She glared fiercely at Spencer, shaking with fury. "You do not get to say that to me. Not anymore. You made your choice. It wasn't me."

"Ashley…" Spencer sighed, on the verge of tears. Ashley just shook her head.

"Please don't, ok? Please?" Ashley was begging now. She couldn't handle this. She couldn't. She hated it when Spencer cried, and she hated it even more when she herself cried. And this conversation was going somewhere she did not want it to go. 

"Just let it go. Let me go." Ashley begged. And with that, Spencer was gone.

……

"Ashley?"

She froze. And not just your normal deer in headlights freeze, this was like deer-in-the-headlights-of-a-speeding-747-with-no-breaks-and-a-load-of-semis-and-this-deer-is-stuck-in-quicksand freeze.

"Um…"

"It's Spencer, you do remember me right?"

"Um…"

"Ashley?"

"Sorry…um…hi Spencer…I…uh…yeah…"

"Yeah"

"Hi"

"Hey"

"I already said that didn't I?"

"Yeah"

"Sorry"

"It's ok"

Cue awkward silence. Ashley shifted from foot to foot while Spencer regarded her curiously. Just as Ashley was about to work up the nerve to stutter out some form of 'How've you been?' they were interrupted.

"Spencer, we really nee- oh. Hi Ashley, long time no see." Aiden said, walking over to the two with a hidden look of scorn on his face as he regarded Ashley. He had always crushed on Spencer and while they had been in high school, and he had always felt that Ashley was 'stealing' Spencer from him. Oh if he only knew the extent.

"Hello, Aiden." Ashley replied, venom dripping from every word. The boy looked slightly taken aback at the ferocity in Ashley's voice, as did Spencer.

"Oh, hey honey" Spencer greeted with a fake cheerfulness that made Ashley sick to her stomach. Spencer rested her hand on his shoulder, making sure her wedding ring was visible. Ashley had to fight the bile rising in her throat. Aiden's face seemed to light up at the affection. She needed an out, fast. Where in Simba's name was Kyla?

"So, I take it you heard the news?" He asked, unable to keep the glee from creeping into his annoying voice.

"What news?" Ashley asked, again swallowing the urge to vomit.

"We're married now" He stated simply, a big dumb grin spreading across his face. Spencer's smile faltered a little when she saw the rage flash in Ashley's eyes.

"Yeah, Kyla told me" Ashley stated, shortly and still glaring at the overgrown jock.

"I figured she would. It was pretty important news" Spencer cut in with that fake cheeriness that tore at her heart like acid. Aiden started smirking. She was starting to lose the battle inside her and came dangerously close to punching the grin off Aiden's face.

Suddenly, gaining an idea, she grabbed at her pocket then pulled out her cell phone as if it had just vibrated. Flipping it open, she pretended to read a text, shut her phone, and then put on a false smile for the false couple.

"I hate to cut this reunion short but Kyla's getting impatient. I'll talk to you guys later." She stated, playing nice.

"Ok. Bye." Spencer replied, while Aiden merely nodded.

With that, she turned on her heels and calmly walked away…until she was out of sight when she broke into a run. Finally finding Kyla, still in the paper towel aisle, she stalked over and slammed the cookies into the cart. Kyla looked up with a start.

"What's wrong, you look pissed?" She asked. Understatement of the century, that was. Ashley merely glared at her before grabbing the keys out of Kyla's back pocket, making her jump. She gave her a 'what-are-you-doing' look, which only made Ashley scowl more as she started to stalk off towards the exit.

"Ash…" Kyla started.

"Just get your goddamn paper towels"


	3. Thanks for the Memories

3. Thanks For The Memories

_If that's the worst you got, better put your fingers back to the keys_

……

Ashley sat impatiently in the car as Kyla loaded the groceries.

"You know, this would go faster if you would help."

Ashley merely glared.

Once Kyla was in the car, Ashley gunned it.

"Whoa! Ok, Speed Demon…where's the fire?" Kyla asked, barely managing to get her seat belt on in time.

"I had a little run in with Spaiden." Ashley said through gritted teeth.

"Spaiden? Spai- oh! Spencer and Aiden? Oh. OH! Oh my God, what happened?" Kyla asked, turning around in her seat to face Ash.

"Well, let's just say I looked like an idiot, Aiden was acting like a twat, and Spencer…" Ashley trailed off. "I just wish I had another shot at Aiden though. I swear, if I had been expecting the way they acted I so would've been able to fight back. I'm loaded now. And I hate that I looked like an idiot and I so don't want to leave it like that." Kyla bit her lower lip.

"Ky…" Ashley trailed off. She knew that look. Kyla knew something and was debating whether or not to tell her.

"Well…"

"Spill it, Kyla Marie."

"Chelsea heard you were back in town and invited us both to her housewarming party tonight…and I'm like ninety-nine percent sure Spencer and Aiden will be there…" Kyla gushed. She knew that whenever Ashley used her middle name she better give up or she'd wake up to find her room booby trapped worse than Annie's cabin in The Parent Trap.

"We're going." Was all Ashley said.

……

Kyla instantly regretting informing Ashley of the party. Ash was dressed to kill; black Paramore shirt and tight ripped jeans gave her her sexy rockstar look that Kyla knew was just going to get the girl into trouble.

"Are you sure you want to go in?" Kyla asked for the umpteenth time. Ashley rolled her eyes.

"Yes."

They made their way into Chelsea's new house/studio and were instantly greeted by the hostess. They made small talk with Chelsea and Sean and Ashley seemed to have relaxed, but Kyla could sense that the girl was wound tight and the smallest confrontation was going to make her blow.

"I'm going to go get some punch" Ashley declared, flashing Chelsea and Sean a smile before calmly walking into the next room.

"Is she ok?" Sean asked after Ashley had left.

"She ran into Spencer and Aiden in the supermarket today…so she's been a little…tense." Kyla replied, looking around nervously for any sign of the couple.

"Oh…well…does she know they're coming tonight?" Chelsea asked. Kyla nodded, looking even more nervous. Chelsea smiled softly.

"I'm sure she'll be ok." She said.

"It's not Ashley I'm worried about…" Kyla replied, spotting Aiden and Spencer walking in the door.

……

Ashley stood by the punch bowl, eyes scanning the room intently. So intently she didn't notice a young man walk up beside her.

"You look…focused." He said, with a hint of amusement. Ashley jumped slightly.

"Yeah" She said, looking him up and down vaguely. He had short dark brown hair, a handsome somewhat boyish face, and light blue eyes. He wore a dressy, button down white shirt with a tie…and jeans…and Chucks. Ashley smiled.

"I'm Noah." He stated, extending his hand. She took it.

"Ashley"

"You new around here?" He asked, making small talk.

"Not really. I grew up here but I moved away five years ago. I live in New York now. At Julliard." He seemed impressed.

"Wow. Julliard?" She nodded.

"What's your story?" She asked him.

"I'm from Boston. I moved here four years ago and now I'm in film school. That's how I know Chelsea. The film department works with the visual art department sometimes. So what brings you back to L.A?"

"My mother's funeral" She saw his look of shock and continued, "No don't…its ok…we weren't that close."

"I know how that is. My dad and I didn't get along too well." He said, shaking his head. Ashley suddenly felt that familiar tingle on the back of her neck. Glancing away from Noah, she saw them.

Noah saw Ashley's body visibly tense up. She stood a little straighter; her eyes narrowed ever so slightly, her hands went into fists and her head tilted to the side a little. He may not have known her longer than five minutes…but he could tell something was up. He turned around and spotted a woman about their age with long blonde hair standing with a young man, also about their age with dark black hair. He glanced back at Ashley and saw she was staring at them as well.

"You know them?" He asked.

"Sure do."

……

Aiden sauntered over to where Ashley stood with Noah, Spencer trailing behind him.

"Ashley, hey." He said his voice relatively calm. Ashley and Noah looked him up and down before Ashley spoke.

"Aiden." She said shortly. Unable to keep the disdain out of her voice. He smirked. She noticed Spencer kept her distance. Ashley didn't mind. She could spar with Aiden without her interference.

"How've you been?" he asked.

"Just fine."

"Really."

"Yes."

"That's good."

"It is."

"I've been wonderful."

"I bet you have."

"Spencer and I have our one year anniversary coming up next week."

"Isn't that peachy."

"It is."

"I'm happy for you."

"Are you?"

"No."

"I thought not. No never could handle the fact that Spencer only hung out with you to get to me."

Ashley felt her temperature start to rise. She clenched her fists tighter and tensed. Grinding her back teeth she forced herself to hang on.

"Keep telling yourself that." She bit back.

"I will. Because it's the truth." He took a step towards her, "You just couldn't read the signs. You were so dependant on Spencer because she was the only one who would waste their time on you."

She waited. She could feel the blood boiling in her temple and the slight pain in the palm of her hand from her nails. The whole room was staring because Aiden had raised his voice on the last couple words.

"Is that so?" She growled, her voice taking on a dangerous octave that Kyla often said reminded her of a panther. That 'Panther Growl' was a sign that Ashley's inner Tyler Durden was taking over. Had Aiden been smart, he would've backed off there. But he wasn't…so he kept pushing.

"It is." He took another step. Ashley relaxed her body slightly.

"You were never her friend. You were just her gateway to me. She only tolerated you because you were friends with me."

Another step. Ashley loosened her grip on her fists ever so slightly.

"You just got in the way. We talked about you behind your back, you know. 'Poor pathetic Ashley' we said. And you were too blind."

Another step. Ashley moved her right foot back a couple inches.

"You thought you were pretty special, didn't you? But you know what that doesn't matter now. Because you know what matters?"

Another step. He was in her space now. On her turf. She shifted her weight.

"What matters is that I'm the one she's fucking at night."

She snapped.

He never had a chance.

……

Before Aiden knew what happened, he was lying on the floor blood pouring out of his nose. Touching it gingerly he knew it was broken. He looked up to see Ashley; fist still cocked from where she'd punched him. Eyes as cold as ice.

"You bitch!" He yelled, jumping to his feet and staggering forward. She didn't budge.

"Did that hurt?"

He glared. She took that for a yes.

"Good."

Spencer and Noah both came running over to the two.

"Oh my God!" Spencer cried in alarm.

"Oh my God." Noah said in amazement.

"What the hell happened?" Spencer asked.

"Stay the fuck out of this!" Aiden yelled.

"Hey! Don't yell at her like that." Ashley said, Aiden merely smirked.

"I'll yell at her however the hell I want." He said, glaring at her. "She's my fucking wife and you? You're nothing."

Ashley lunged.

Only this time she didn't get very far. Noah grabbed her around the middle mid-jump and lifted her backward.

"Whoa! Easy Tiger." He said softly, setting her back down and eyeing Aiden warily. "Let's go find your sister, you broke his nose in one hit…your hand is probably busted." He said in a low voice. He knew that if he didn't get her out of here this fellow was a dead man. Ashley merely nodded.

Spencer started towards her. But Ashley held up a hand.

"Don't. Or I'll deck your smug face too."

Spencer took a step back. She knew Ashley wouldn't follow through on that but she also knew that the fact that she threatened it meant she wasn't playing around. She watched as Noah led Ashley from the now crowed room and towards a spazzed out Kyla.

Ashley looked down at her hand, covered in Aiden's blood and smiled.

_I am Jack's smirking revenge._


	4. Silence

4. Silence

_I need you more than you'll ever know.  
I still do, willing to let it show.  
I need a minute just to get to you.  
I feel like I might be getting through.  
Come over and say nothing.  
Silence is Everything._

Hours had passed since Ashley's Fight Club reenactment with Aiden. Over those hours, Ashley hadn't spoken a word. All she could think of was the look on Spencer's face when Noah led her away. Pure concern. And it had been directed towards her, not Aiden. That fact confused her above all else. She knew Spencer wasn't happy with Aiden, and she knew that she had only married him to please her family, so it didn't exactly surprise her when she didn't go running to Aiden's side. But what had confused her was that look. Genuine concern…for Ashley.

Ash rolled over on her back staring up at the stars. She was lying flat on her back on her roof above the porch. She came up here when she needed to think. And right now, she really needed to think. Did Spencer still have feelings for her? Was there still a chance she could change Spencer's mind about Aiden? Could Spencer overcome her fears? Was there hope?

One thing Ashley was certain of was that there were too many questions. Too many questions she herself couldn't answer. Only Spencer could answer them. And there was no way that was happening. Or was there?

Closing her eyes, Ash let out a sigh. Spencer's baby blue eyes were burned into her eyelids. That look. That look that could have so many meanings. She simply could have been concerned at Ashley's behavior, not her well-being. Or she could have indeed been concerned for Ashley. It was all too confusing. Sighing again, Ashley opened her eyes but the brilliant blue of Spencer's eyes didn't fade. She blinked. Twice. Then nearly jumped off the roof.

"Spencer! What are you doing here!?" Ashley exclaimed, scrambling into a sitting position. Spencer gave her a small smile. She looked so lost.

"I came to check on you…" Spencer explained, suddenly finding her shoes very interesting.

"I'm ok" Ashley replied, looking down at her own shoes. There was a pause and then Spencer spoke.

"What did he say to you?" She asked softly. Ashley's head slowly rose to meet Spencer's eyes for a brief moment, and then she looked away. "Please Ash? Just tell me?"

"Why do you want to know?" Ashley asked, bitterly. Spencer winced.

"I need to know, Ashley. I need to know what he said to hurt you." Spencer's eyes begged, and pleaded, for an answer. Ashley had to give in.

"He uhm…he was telling me I never…"

"You never what, Ash?"

"I never meant anything to you. That you were only friends with me to get close to him."

"Is that all he said, Ash?"

"No…"

"What else?"

"Please don't make me say it, Spencer." Ashley begged, looking up to lock brown with blue.

"I have to know. I know you wouldn't hit him like that unless it was something serious."

Ashley looked away and took a deep breath and let it out slowly and shakily. Squeezing her eyes shut then opening them again, she stared at the tree in the backyard.

"He said. That all of that didn't matter. That what did matter was the fact that…that he…that he was the one…the one fucking you"

There was a long pause. After a minute, Spencer slowly sat down beside Ashley and stared, seemingly transfixed, at the same tree. The silence that hung in the air between them appeared to mean everything at the moment. Ashley waited with bated breath to hear the words. The words claiming that Ashley was lying. The outburst. But it never came. Instead, something a bit more unexpected.

"I'm sorry" Spencer whispered softly. Ashley turned to look at her, but Spencer remained mesmerized by the tree.

"For what?" Ash asked just as softly. Spencer shook her head a little.

"He doesn't…he never knew about us. He didn't know how much…that would hurt. That was harsh and he shouldn't have…he's not like you. He's not gentle. It's not…not like it was with you." Spencer confessed quietly, her voice shaking a little. The entire conversation had just done a complete 360, and them some. Ashley shook her head slightly.

"Spencer…"

"I hate sleeping with him. It doesn't…it just hurts. There's nothing special about it. It's just…it's nothing. Maybe that's why it hurts so much. Maybe that's why it was better with you. You were…you were so good to me. You cared…you were gentle…you loved me…"

"Love" Ashley whispered gently. Spencer's head shot up and away from the tree.

"What?"

"Love" Ashley repeated, a little stronger this time. Her voice still wavered and she still felt exposed, but the look in Spencer's eyes egged her on.

"What exactly do you mean by that, Ashley?" She asked, staring deep into Ash's eyes. Begging for an answer. Begging for a release. Swallowing her fears, Ashley gave her one.

"You said 'loved' like, past tense. It's not past tense. I still love you Spencer. I always have." Ashley admitted.

There it was. The one thing Ashley swore she'd never do since leaving L.A five years ago. She swore she'd never say those words again. Not to anybody, and especially not to Spencer. But here she was, doing just that.

Spencer's eyes flickered shut briefly, and when she opened them again they were shinning brighter than Ashley had ever seen them shine before. Spencer tilted her head towards Ashley's, her eyes flicking down to her lips then back up. Ashley closed her eyes. She was so close, so close to what she thought she'd never feel again. She could feel the heat radiating from Spencer's lips and it burned her up. And it felt so good to be burned. She felt the softest ghost of movement against her lips, and then it was gone.

Opening her eyes, she found Spencer sitting back with her eyes shut tight, tears rolling down her face unchecked. She shook her head.

"Spence?" Ashley asked hesitantly. Spencer shook her head harder.

"I can't"

"Spencer"

"I can't.

"Spen-"

"I can't. Not…I have to go."

And with that she stood up and bolted. Ashley head the door to her room slam shut and she cringed. She felt that familiar sense of Deja-vu and was reminded of the last time Spencer did that. Five years ago. Only now, it was so much worse. She closed her eyes as hot tears slid down her face. Lying back onto the roof and reveled in what she was left with.

Silence.

But she had so much she needed to say.


End file.
